Fatalism in Three Parts (Part II) The Middle

Think.“Does disaster come to a city, unless the Lord has done it?” -Amos 3:6

When I was in my teens, sixteen specifically, my fatalistic philosophy took on a whole new dimension. Swept away by a detailed revelation in a dream, as brief as it was, I was now equipped with other-worldly “evidence” to back what had previously been no more than an optimistic idea.

The Dream.

I approached the front door of my mother’s house on a cold winter afternoon (I had recently gone to live with my father). I was wearing my bright red San Francisco 49ers Triple Fat Goose coat that I had just purchased.

Now, up to this point in my dream, everything (with exception to the bright red 49ers coat which I had just purchased) was consistent with my current reality. It was an honest reflection of my everyday life; the weather, the landscape, my mother’s house, etc. It could have easily happened so often that it had become just another subconscious occurrence. What followed, however, is what solidified everything for me. Now mind you, this may seem insignificant as there is nothing particularly special about the event in and of itself, but bear with me.

Back to the dream…

My mother answered the door. I could see my little sister, directly behind her, sitting at the kitchen table, looking at me.

After greeting me, noticing my new coat, my mother asked, “Where’s the jacket I bought you?”

 I knew she was referring to the light brown half-trench coat she had bought me for Christmas.

And that’s it. The end. Simple enough, right?

That was the entire dream. Pretty insignificant—or so I thought. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that nothing is insignificant.

About a week goes by and I take a trip over to my mother’s house.

It was a cold winter afternoon. I was wearing my bright red San Francisco 49ers Triple Fat Goose coat that I had recently purchased… do you see where this is going?

My mother answered the door. I could see my little sister, directly behind her, sitting at the kitchen table, looking at me.

And (just as sure as you’re reading this right now) noticing my new coat, my mother asks,

“Where’s the jacket I bought you?”

Every single detail, every sense, came alive. But not as if I had been awakened, rather, as if I had drifted into a subconscious awareness, a knowing whilst asleep, a dream disguised as a memory re-visited. The crunching snow softening beneath my boots as it began to melt into a small puddle at the doorstep, the sting of the cold on my cheeks contrasting with the warmth of the sun on the back of my head. My mother’s outfit, her questioning glance, the scent of her perfume, my sister’s gaze. Perfection.

I was speechless. Literally, speechless. I stood frozen. The only noticeable movement I recall being the big, goofy looking, awe inspired grin-like expression I felt painted across my face. I don’t know if it was the shock of a déjà vu experience that, for the first time in my life, had an actual documented place in time, or the overwhelming realization that I had been given an actual glimpse, no matter how small, into—dare I even to think it… the future.

What followed was a lifestyle based on a perspective that took “Que Sera, Sera to an unprecedented level. I now operated under the philosophy that, not only were the outcomes on this life inevitable, but these events have actually been seen by, possibly ordained by, and even, quite possibly, divinely designed by, some higher power, some deity that knew exactly what would happen in the future, and, in this case, decided to share that revelation with me. It was as if I had tasted of the cosmos, as if every care in the world was, in an instance, lifted from my shoulders, leaving nothing but right here, and right now. For the first time in my life, I was free… or so I thought.

This was something entirely new to me. This was not an idea shared with me by a family member, an experience retold by a friend of a friend, this was real, this was tangible, this was mine.

However, dare I say, “as fate would have it”, this experience did not prove positive. Not immediately, anyway. It did not encourage any commendable pursuit of right living. It did not stir a desire to seek after the source revelator, to further understand the universe, or humble myself before a divine intellect. If anything, I became much more careless. I threw “caution to the wind”. My childish mantra of “Que Sera, Sera” had morphed into an out of control world view comparable to Tetsuo’s all consuming transformation in Akira. I no longer assumed, I now believed. And that’s exactly how I lived. However, inevitable as life’s outcomes may have been, they were certainly not working out in my best interest. Or were they? In the grand scheme of things, from a perspective devoid of the concept of time, they indeed were, or rather, are, although, if left to my own faculties, would have certainly led to a continued downward spiral. Still with me? Hang in there, we’re almost out of the rabbit hole.

So what happened? What halted, rather, reversed that downward spiral? What monumental event occurred to take a fatalistically driven, manic depressive, selfish wretch of a teenager, motivated by gangster rap music, paralyzing insecurites, and a seemingly unquenchable escapist’s desire to self-medicate? What made good of the bad? What turned certain death into the promise of a glorious eternity? Again, speaking from a perspective devoid of the concept of time and the logical constraints inflicted by it—what happened was Jesus Christ.

to be continued…

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About robin

...writer, lover, fellow, man; divinely adrift in a sea of inarguable genius and intellectual nuisance. Read@ robinejohnson.wordpress.com Like@ facebook.com/storiesbyrobin and as always, peace, love—and think! View all posts by robin

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